This is obviously a reprint but I thought it was so funny, for those of you who haven’t seen it, please read on.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law statest that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct……leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’
I’m confused. If we have freedom of speech, why does a person go to jail if he denies the Holocaust? Isn’t he free to deny it if he wants?
And if we actually have freedom of speech, why is it that we suddenly have the Politically Correct police hounding us? So, we’re free to say anything provided it is allowed by those in positions of power. Instead of PC, why don’t children and adults alike teach tact? Example: Do these jeans make me look fat? Tactful answer: No you don’t look fat. You are a voluptuous and sexy woman. But if those jeans really don’t do anything for her, tell her. It might just be the cut or, then again, she might really be too fat to wear them. In that case, the short answer could be “yes”.
Whatever happened to voluptuous? Once upon a time being voluptuous was desired. Now, it seems you have to look like you’ve just been released from a concentration camp. Bones sticking out everywhere. Naturally, you have no bosom so they insert a silicone bag where a bosom should be. Now don’t get me wrong. Occasionally there is a woman whose bosoms just never developed. I should think she’d be a good candidate for augmentation. Other than that, forget it.
How about teaching evolution? Why the hue and cry? Freedom of speech? I think not.
I have to tell you, if I had any say, I would absolutely outlaw all religion. Absolutely. Why? Because all religion is evil. Religion is divisive. Religion teaches one thing and, those that teach it, do another. (Oh I forgot, they blame the devil, don’t they?) Religion teaches distrust and hatred. More wars have been fought over religious beliefs than anything else. It is used as an excuse by the warmongers of this earth – and you know who you are – to invade and murder people of a different religion, for personal gain.
Some people claim that without religion there would be no morals. How do you teach a child right from wrong without religion? Easy. You teach by example. You teach the basic law of treating others as you would like to be treated. It’s so easy. Maybe it’s just too easy.
I tend to ramble so I’d better quit before this post becomes silly.
This time of year is, in truth, a season of new beginnings. Personally, I like the symbolic egg. The coloring of eggs is a mystery to me but I’m sure there is a story there. Rabbits, I guess, are used as a symbol of fertility, since we all know how fast they multiply. All these things make us happy and should be celebrated.
What I don’t like about this season is its affiliation with a person on a cross. I know, it’s been drilled into my head too, that it is supposed to symbolize a young man, supposedly the son of God, who died for our sins. You see, that makes no sense to me. Died for our sins. What sins? What does him dying have to do with sins I may or may not have committed. Yet, this tripe gets drilled into our Christian brains from we know ourselves. It gets so ingrained that we react without thinking. We follow like sheep. We obey. But who do we obey? The church, I guess. The priests, ministers, parsons. Admen, every one of them.
If you could drill into each child that he or she should treat others like they would like to be treated, there would be no reason to say anything else. Every time you question an action, ask yourself, “Is this how I would like to be treated?” If the answer is no, don’t do it. If the answer is yes, do it. It’s not difficult.
It seems with all the rhetoric about loving our neighbours and thou shalt not kill, the reality is just the opposite. So what is the answer? In my view, outlaw religion altogether. What you do in the privacy of your own four walls is your business but as for government sanctioned ministries, temples, mosques, etc. No. They should not be allowed – plain and simple.
Besides, do you ever think about the tripe that’s taught? Awakening the dead, parting seas, turning water to wine, soaring to the heavens from a rooftop. Give me a break. Could any person with a fraction of a brain buy that bunk? But buy they do. Can’t we just enjoy nature and the beauty in it?
I cry for the innocents that have perished because of the hatred that’s taught by the so-called holy men. I cry for every soldier who has been told he is doing something honorable by murdering another. No wonder they come back home – if they come home – as broken men.
It’s time to put a stop to this. Wake up this Easter. Think what it really means. Try practicing the golden rule and forget everything else. And, oh, Happy Easter.
God, I hate the look of it. What is it supposed to accomplish? Let the world know you’re Muslim? Who gives a crap? What, you think that makes you special? Want to draw attention to yourself?
I can’t figure out why a smart, educated, liberated woman would do this to herself. It’s not attractive. I have never seen anyone who looked good in it. You’d think they’d throw the damned thing away as soon as they touched down on these shores, but no, they keep wearing it and wearing at our collective patience.
Well, we all wear headscarves sometimes. Personally, I wear one when painting a ceiling. Those paint splatters are a bitch to get out of your hair. My Mother used to wear one when she had an ear-ache. Don’t ask. Back in the days when we teased out hair and emptied a can of hairspray on it to create those beehive hairdos, we’d wear a kerchief when outside to keep the hair from flying all over the place. So, as with all things, there is a time and place for it.
Hey, wearing a headscarf does not make you a more pious person. Last time I looked, it came from within. Wearing a headscarf does not make you more pure of thought and deed. Not wearing a headscarf does not make you a whore. Finally, not every man will want to pounce you just because your headscarf is off.
There’s no shame in looking nice for others. In fact, it is considered a sign of respect, in the Western world. My advice, for what it’s worth – when in Rome, do as the Romans do. You had to fall in line back in your home country. But you left your home country to come to the new world so why bring your old hang-ups with you? Drop the shackles that have enslaved you, oh women of Islam and live in freedom. You’ll see, it feels good.
You talking to me? I figure cowards call themselves Agnostics. I’ll spit it out. I’m an Atheist. Happy now? So, does that mean I have a tail and horns? A tail, maybe. Horny? – well, I was once. Not, no more. Besides, being an Atheist does not mean I’m not spiritual, just not in an organized-religion sort of way.
I’ve come to the conclusion that Jesus, Mohammad, and all those other leaders of what’s right and what’s wrong, are metaphors. They never existed but, if you want – as a writer or story teller – to make a point, sometimes you have to put a human face on it.
The stories told in the Talmud, Torah, Bible or whatever, in themselves, are harmless and are, like Aesop’s tales, morals. How did they all come about? Long before radio or newspapers, TV or – gasp – the Internet, people gathered around the fire at night and the elders told stories. Some were of their own rememberences of childhood and their parents, their friends and their neighbours. Others were of stories their friends and neighbours told them. It was something to do before turning in. Of course, if you were a good story teller, you’d perhaps add a little here and subtract a little there, to make it more interesting. And so it was that stories were passed on for eons. Somewhere along the way, some people actually wrote the stories down, sort of like I do now with the stories my mother and aunts have told me. That’s my take on it. I’ll bet I’m right on the money.
So, let’s remember that they are only nice, harmless stories. They all preach the same thing in one way or another. Be kind to yourself, your loved ones and your neighbours. It’s not difficult, is it? Why can’t we just do that? Let’s all try from this day forth.